It’s been one year since my ADHD diagnosis
On Medication, Depression, Relationships & Acceptance
Considering it took two years to get my ADHD diagnosis ~ plenty of time to get used to the idea I probably did have it ~ you’d think a year on from it being ‘official’ I’d, maybe, be doing ok.
Nope.
And probably the reason it’s been as tough as it has been? Other people, and the misunderstanding ADHD still has. Because if I still can’t really understand who I am and what parts of my personality are ADHD and which parts are actually me, how can I expect anyone else to get it? Get me?
Walking out of the psychiatrist’s office last March, having been diagnosed & given a prescription in less than an hour (an hour? After 41 years carrying this around unknowingly?), I felt relieved. I wasn’t lying, I wasn’t making this up, I really was built ‘differently’. A voicenote to my school friends of the past 30 years began with this euphoria and very quickly turned to sobbing as I realised life really has been harder for me. And there’s a reason why.
ADHD medication: the journey
Two more weeks of this acceptance, sharing my world-defining news with people in my life (hell, even the most basic of acquaintances were told) before a two month fall into depression. Feeling absolutely useless, because getting the diagnosis is one thing, but then realising actually nothing has changed at all, your brain is still wired the way it is, you still struggle the way you always have, is another thing entirely. And I was desperate to try meds. Of course, getting hold of them took time (because: global ADHD meds shortage) and as with any long-term medication, the first few days were rough (dizzy, nauseous, sleeping badly).
But then a miracle. They worked!
I felt how other people felt (supposedly). A clear mind! Not needing to nap every day! Waking up with a plan and then - get this - following through on it! It was a MARVELLOUS time to be alive. And also slightly confusing. I started running, 10 years since it had last been a part of my routine. Was I running because the meds were making it easier to stick to a routine? Or was the running the thing that was making me feel better? I spoke to my psychiatrist: yep, it’s the meds helping you get up and out the door.
Then of course the meds stopped working.
I switched to another type, ones easier to get hold of, and again, they worked! Only for two weeks this time. Let’s up the dosage! Literally made no difference. Let’s up the dosage again! Am I just completely numb, so dosed on various drugs (I’ve been on anti-depressants for four years now) that my body doesn’t even notice when yet more medication is pumped into my blood in an attempt to control the way my brain thinks?
I’ve given them up for now.
If the only person my ADHD affected was me, I’d be more than happy living in my own little world.
Me vs The World
Because perhaps instead of trying to ‘fix the problem’, I need to actually understand what the ‘problem’ even is. It sounds harsh and unloving but honestly, if the only person my ADHD affected was me, I think I’d be more than happy living in my own little ‘Verity World’. Laughing to myself at the mistakes I make, being forgiving of the days I feel like a part of me has been sawn off, leaving me rough around the edges. But I’m married with children; friends; family and too many people to mention I need to be in contact with day to day. And no one else can possibly understand how I feel. In fairness, you can say that about anyone, however they’re wired.
Perhaps I was naive in thinking that by telling people ‘oh, I have ADHD’, they would automatically get it. Would give me the benefit of the doubt, understand that my lateness wasn’t laziness, that my sometimes oversharing, over-speaking, interrupting and tendency to take things personally was something I don’t do on purpose. Instead, in my mind, it feels like I’m making an excuse. That people roll their eyes thinking, ‘she’s blaming it on this so-called ‘ADHD’ again. Get your shit together Verity.’
AHDH = not a cute quirk
And I think that’s the hardest part of it all. At times this last year, and surprisingly, more than ever in the past few months, having ADHD has truly felt like a disability, in the most true sense of the word. It has absolutely prohibited me from doing the things I want to do. It has 100% left me so tired after socialising that I’ve been unable to think for two days. It has seen me beat myself up, and sadly, not just metaphorically. There have been many, many days when I hadn’t wanted to be here anymore. When the daily battle of not just trying to function as an adult alone is painful enough, but having to do it ‘invisibly’ in the rest of my world. Days where the heart-breaking Rejection Sensitivity Dysmorphia (a real thing. Seriously) sees me absolutely convinced there is nothing I could ever do that would make me an okay human.
And let’s not even talk about the emotional dysregulation. It’s been wilder than ever. I have reached entirely new parts of myself I didn’t know existed. The anger at being misunderstood runs SO deep. The frustration at knowing I’ve tried my absolute best and it STILL isn’t good enough, and will NEVER be good enough has seen me hurt in a way that I can only describe as primevel. The pain comes from the deepest, darkest part of my soul.
So, in case it’s not clear: ADHD is far from being a ‘quirky’ little trait. Nor a ‘trend’.
Ways to think about ADHD
My one year ‘diagnosiversary’ has been playing on my mind because it does feel significant. Maybe because I mistakenly assumed I’d be ‘fixed’ by now? Or at the very least have grown to accept this of myself. I haven’t (obviously). I have a very very very long way to go. Here are my wishes for my ADHD self:
For everyone in my life to fully accept me as I am
For me to fully accept me as I am
Oh, that’s it. I thought the list would be longer. Ha!
You’re more than a diagnosis, more than a mishmash of neural wiring gone awry
Once more, with feeling: if you have an ADHD person in your life: be kind. It’s not made up. They’re not deliberately making life harder for you or for themselves. Let them figure life out for themselves. Just like you, they’re just trying to make a good life for themselves in the absolute hellscape of a century we’re living in.
And if you’re the wonderful ADHDer: you are capable. You’ve done amazing things. You will continue to do more incredible things. You are worthy of love and gentleness and being treated with care. Prod at the things you notice about yourself, question them, see how certain things show up in your life and mind. Hold them lightly. You’re more than a diagnosis, more than a mishmash of neural wiring gone awry. You’re made of fucking stars!
As a coach working with busy creatives who more often than not also have ADHD, I of course preach ‘be kind to yourself’ multiple times per session. Perhaps the more I say it to others, the more I’ll believe it for myself.
✴✴ You’re made of fucking stars ✴✴
PS. Why yes, I did write this in a hyperfocus/flow state of mind and got out of bed before the children (unheard of) because I just had to get writing NOW. You know how it is.